Happy happy, joy joy!
by Mywie
Summary: Well, I finally finshed the last chapter. PG13 for truly bizzare sexual refrences. Come into mah twisted world! ^_^ Enjoy! (And do feel free to review.)
1. The Beginning

Happy, happy, joy, joy!  
  
Alright just a quick note; this fic is mainly inspired by me and my best friends'  
bizarre inside jokes, so sorry if it doesn't make complete sense. I wrote it at 3 in the  
morning on a sugar high. And, as always, I don't own anything that's copyrighted... like  
FF8 or whatever else may come up.   
  
  
Squall's happy dancy prancy dreams of his guardian angel, Noodle the Negative  
Nancy, were rudely disturbed by a odd "Pbbt! Pbbt! Pbbt!" noise. Wearily rubbing the  
sleep from his eyes, the dorm room came into focus revealing Rinoa standing over him  
waving her arms from side to side, giggling and blowing raspberries. Shrieking with  
laughter she ran from the room, arms outstretched and making airplane noises.  
Squall breathed out a world weary sigh, "...Whatever..."  
Yawning and bleary eyed he began pulling on his sparkly tights and lacing up his  
pink toe shoes, he pulled his lacy pink tutu over his head and was just stuffing tissues into  
his bra when Irvine stormed into the room tracking dirt all over the floor and clumps of  
mud dropping from his coat, seeing as how he hasn't changed in clothes in at least a year.  
Soft violins began to play and their hair fluttered softly with a unfelt breeze as  
Irvine gathered Squall into a romantic and backbreaking embrace, "Oh my  
Squally-wally-piggy-wiggy-woo... I missed you so... These past few days have been filled  
with the horrid grasp of un-sexyness... oh it was unbearable..."  
Squall's eyes wandered around the room.  
"Er... Squally-wally-piggy-do-diggy-wiggy-miggy-poo?"  
Squall looked around the room, lost somewhere in a short attention span with a  
blank look in his eyes.  
Irvine screeched, "HAH! WHO NEEDS YOU FOR I AM..."  
A tense silence filled the air as the treety birds outside the window held their  
breath.  
"THE ASSMASTER! MWEE-HEE-HA-WA-MWA-KWEE-KWEE-KWEE!"  
In a flash of raw sexiness he was suddenly wearing a hot pink and orange spandex  
polkadot superhero suit.   
In a deep, masculine voice he proclaimed all those villains of anti-sexyness; "I'll  
master your ass!"  
Squall woke up just enough to proclaim, "Holy toledo Assmaster! You're giving  
me the jeepers!" and to toss him out the window.  
Squall stood there blinking for a moment.  
He sighed, came to and exclaimed, "...Whatever..."  
He moseyed to the cafeteria and took a seat with the rest of the gang, minus Irvine  
for obvious reasons.  
Zell was blowing on a cartoony looking trumpet, he greeted Squall with a friendly  
"Toot toot!"  
Selphie was tapdancing on the table with a faraway look in her eyes. She was  
utterly mesmerized by those lovely swirling colours only she could see.  
Quistis was running in circles around the table.  
Rinoa, as usuall, was waving her hands about in random directions.  
Squall collapsed into a seat and gazed at his hands, after all; everyone knows that  
no one needs to do something outragous like, gasp, eating.  
Suddenly a wrinkly old man ran in and stripped. The others were so awed by this  
act of pure sexiness that none of them noticed that none of them were wearing underwear.  
Together they all chorused in perfect unison; "Soooooo SEEEXY!"  
This lead to a second perfectly synchronized chorus of, "YEAH! Take it off! Take  
it all off!"  
However, all good things must come to a end... and so, soon Our Heros found  
themselves on a mission. No one knew what the mission was. They didn't know where  
they were going. They didn't know where they came from. Hell, they didn't even know  
what year it was.  
In the middle of a routine battle, you know, the average mayhem of huge invisible  
monsters charging randomly around the room, Zell suddenly looked up from watching his  
gauge fill up and looked around at the people in his party and the people just standing  
around in the back ground and came to a realization, "Hey, what happened to my  
honey-bun?"  
Squall looked up quickly and corrected him in a patronizing tone, "MY  
honey-bun."  
"Huh... we'll see about that... But anyway, where's Irvine? Did he quit or  
something?"  
Everyone jumped up at once and all stared in the same direction. They gave the  
wall a thumbs up and a cheesy grin and chorused together, "School is cool! Stick with it  
and be a homework star!"  
They hurried to the nearest inn and while they had their average 2 second stay they  
decided something must be done! For what would the world be without...  
BUM-BUM-BUUUM... THE ASSMASTER!  
  
Will Our Heros ever succeed in their now found mission? Who will earn the title of  
Irvine's honeybun? Will The Assmaster be able to give our heros the firm buttocks they  
desire? Find out next time!   
  



	2. The Middle

Happy happy, joy joy!  
  
  
Hello again! I must warn you, this time I'm probably going to make this fic live up to its rating. I'm not as fond of this chapter as I am of the other. As always; enjoy, review and I don't own the characters, places or anything else that might come up, and I can only assume that Richard Simmons owns himself. By the way... for the record I HATE musicals... I don't want you getting the wrong idea here.  
  
Seifer strolled down the pier for his daily fishing session with his all around best buds Raijin and Fuujin. He was feeling especially bouyed up today, as it was his birthday and Fuujin had promised to give him extra spankings later. He slumped down beside Raijin who handed him his trusty rod with a cheerfull "Happy birthday, ya know?" and a pinch on the butt. They relaxed and settled in for a long warm day of fishing and talking about old times, with the cheerful music playing in the background to tell them that trouble was nowhere nearby.  
  
Meanwhile, Squall and company had been held up by a sexy, sexy forest and were now in a blissfull state of lovin' up the trees, but that has nothing to do with what's going on, so back to the story.  
  
Seifer, Fuujin and Raijin were just discussing their future business plans ("If we combined the force of a cat always landing on its feet with the force of a piece of toast always landing butter side down by tying toast to the back of a cat then they would undoubtly be caught somewhere in the middle and they would fly. We could tie sleighs to this cat-toast machine and have a new kind of no-fuel car, ya know?") when Seifer felt a violent jerk on his line.  
  
"Un-holy groovy shit on a Sunday!" Seifer exclaimed, "I think I caught something."  
  
It was Irvine in his full Assmaster costume. He jumped up onto the pier and calmly set about untangling the hook from his hair as Seifer readied his money to throw in case Irvine started stripping. And strip he did in a glorious show of raw sexiness. But anyways, soon it came out that Irvine was on a mission to give the world firmer buttocks, and after being tossed out the window of Squall's dorm room he had flew several miles, passing Selphie on the way who was high as a kite, and landed in Dollet where he had a brief and romantic fling with that little brown dog before turning around and landing in the ocean. Of course we didn't see him explain this, though. All we saw was the screen fade out and back in again to signify time passing.  
  
Irvine grinned and winked seductively at the fishing rods for a few moments as him, Seifer, Fuujin and Raijin made plans to make sure the people of the world got the firm buttocks they deserved. Their first target, you ask? Even if you didn't ask... Balamb Garden!  
  
Meanwhile, just outside of the extremely hot forest Squall and the gang, after only five minutes on the road, decided to turn back home. After all, they realized, he always took the good gowns at formal celebrations.  
  
They were definately not prepared for the changes that greeted them back home at the Garden.   
  
Everyone; Seifer and co, Irvine, Squall and the gang knew that none of these changes could be achieved in two minutes but they also accepted that the authoress is far too lazy to think up a good explanation as to how this all came about.  
  
As the Orphanage Gang (minus Irvine) all split up to go their seperate ways, Zell decided to go and pay a visit to Pigtailed Library Girl. He strutted through the door of the library and gave his usual cheerful wave and yell of "Hiya, Pigtailed Library Girl!" when he noticed something very... fishy... for one thing, the books had been replaced by cheesy exersize videos... and for another extremely disturbing thing; Pigtailed Library Girl had been replaced by Richard Simmons.   
  
"GASP!" Zell exclaimed and readied himself to cut a rug for the obvious upcoming song and dance number.  
  
As the infectious tune started up Zell leapt on to the counter and began belting out his song that he made up on the spot, as obviously everyone else ALWAYS knew the words to musical numbers.  
  
"Zell; a dude that's ME!" he belted out with vigor.  
  
"HIM! HIM!" a crowd of Garden cadets echoed while doing perfectly choreographed dance moves behind him.  
  
"Simmons; a freak that has lots of... uh... STUUUPIDITYYY!"  
  
"IMBECILITYYYY!"  
  
"Squall; a weather named guy with lots of ALOOOOOOFNEEESS!"  
  
"He's DISTAAANT!"  
  
And so they went, singing for hours on end, dancing about in choreographed moves until they had to collapse, panting, on the floor after which they had their ritual sacrifice of the virgin; Richard Simmons. And that was that and this pointless scene is over.  
  
Squall smoothed out the folds in his tutu as he waited for the elevator to reach the headmaster's office. He wondered if the headmaster had ordered that new thong he was speaking of beofre Squall and the Gang left.   
  
"I sure hope so..." he thought to himself as he fingered his handcuffs and can of whipcream.  
  
As he stepped out into the waiting area he looked up to see Irvine decked out in his costume. They blinked at each other for a moment before Irvine suddenly seemed to reach a realization and dashed through the open door of the office and leapt into a big high backed leather chair he had set up at Cid's desk. He quickly turned around so he was facing away from Squall out the window then slowly turned back around in a dramatic fashion as threatening music played in the background, a devious smile playing on his lips.  
  
Author's note: For the record; I HATE musicals... I don't want you getting the wrong idea here. 


	3. The End

Happy happy, joy joy!  
  
Author's note: Well well, I'm finally at the end. May I present the Duel o' Rears! ^-^  
  
  
"You!" stated Squall.  
  
"Me!" stated Irvine.  
  
"Gasp!" stated Squall.  
  
"Smirk!" stated Irvine.  
  
"Googlesnurf!" stated Squall.  
  
"Wonka-wonka-woo!" stated Irvine.  
  
Just then, Selphie dashed in with a megaphone.   
  
"Laaadiees and gentlemen! Here are two fine young men with some fine young asses. It's time for a Tournament of Fanny!"  
  
The whole of Garden poured into the office and erected some bleachers to sit on, while the others set up a ring. They were divided into two groups, the lazy slobs who wanted to sit around and say "whatever" all day, and the oversexed hyperactive man-sluts.  
  
Quistis set up a commentators box with Selphie as the two took position. It was time for the bizzare wrestling costumes.  
  
Squall jumped up "Manic Depressive Lovely SeeD Power X! TRAAANSFOOORMAAATIOOON!"  
There was a brief shot of Squall in the nude flying through the air as magical strips of cloth wrapped around him creating his outfit. Hot pink cloth formed a thong while lemon yellow wove together to create a pair of fluffy socks held up with the chains from his SeeD uniform.  
  
At the same moment Irvine yelled "Raunchy Man-Slut Gorgeous Power P! TRAAANSFOOORMAAATIOOON!" and there was a brief shot of him mooning the audience in the nude while floating in the air as hot pink magical spandex cloth polkadotted with orange materialized and formed a mesh shirt, hotpants with the word "ASS" written on the rear and knee socks, with a pair of cheap heart shaped sunglasses to conceal his identity.  
  
Both sides strode in the ring. It took a moment for Squall to notice where Irvine was, since you can never recognize anyone if their clothes are slightly different. They took the ready position on each side of the ring, facing the audience with their buns facing each other.  
  
Each dashed backwards until their buns o' steel locked in combat. It was a furious struggle while Quistis and Selphie commented.  
  
"Well, Squall seems to be in the lead... oh wait... OOO! THAT'S GOTTA HURT! Looks like Irvine got Squall in the eye with that one."  
  
"WHOO-HOO! Go Irvy-poo!"  
  
"Uh-oh, their buns seem to be locked together! Hmm... I wonder how they'll handle this!"  
  
"Ooo! Major bummer. Oh, wait, it's alright now. Squall used that to his advantage, it looks like he just leaned way back and bit Irvy-poo!"  
  
And so it continued. For days and nights. Until finally...  
  
"Booyaka! Looks like Irvine's winning!"  
  
"Wait a minute! I don't believe it! Never in all my born days have I seen something like this! It's unbelieveable! Simply unbelieveable! This just doesn't happen! Goodness gracious me. It's better then the time when Seifer showed me how to nibble on my own ears! Amazing! Simply amazing! Whoa! That was one hell of a fight!"  
  
In one final blow, Irvine and Squall mashed their asses together and both went soft. Both had lost.  
  
"My ass!" Irvine wailed, "MY PRECIOUS ASS! NOOOO!"  
  
The croud sat there and blinked for a while.  
  
A few days passed.  
  
They cheered.  
  
And so, in honor of the heroes of the world, it became fashionable to have a saggy-baggy ass and pants went out of style, and there was much rejoicing.  
  
Irvine and Squall went home together, they had each earned the title of being each others honey-bun. And Rinoa just ran around with her arms outstretched and made airplane noises. The end.  
  
Author's other note: Woo, that was fun to write. ^____^ I guess I can consider myself fully being able to use FFnet now. Ta, until my next story!  



End file.
